Blame.

I’ve done so much research that I’m convinced I could hold my own in a room full of doctors. I know more about congenital defects than anything I studied in college. I’ve never put so much effort into learning about something in my entire life.

I have spent most of my time searching for the answer to the question”why?” I’ve combed through countless medical journals, and read dozens of articles from the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. I have had numerous doctors explain to me that there was nothing we could have done to prevent Aria’s defect, and this was not our fault.

But it wasn’t enough.

As her mom, I felt responsible for her. I was supposed to be a safe place for Aria’s body to grow, thrive, and prepare for life outside of the womb. From the moment I learned she had developed a cystic mass on her lung at my 20 week ultrasound, I felt like I had failed her. I wondered if the meals I missed due to morning sickness were the culprit. I wondered if the days I forgot to take my prenatal vitamin had deprived her of valuable nutrients. I spent hours looking up side effects for every chemical in our home. From cosmetics to cleaning products, I researched it all.

And I still found no one to blame.

I can’t tell you how incredibly frustrating that is. Congenital Cystic Adenomatoid Malformation took my daughter’s life and I have no one to blame. There is nothing I wanted more than to have something to project anger and hatred onto. I so wanted to believe it when I said this wasn’t my fault, and to remove this extra weight from my shoulders. There were even times when I wondered if God was punishing us for something. I know science has proved several times that this wasn’t our doing, but when it comes to your child’s life, that isn’t enough.

Today, while reading through blog posts written by mothers of angel babies, I came across this passage from the book of John.

“His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” -John 9:2-3

Suddenly I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. The bible tells us not to lean on our own understanding and to trust the will of God, but that never clicked for me until now.

I will probably never know why Aria developed a CCAM in her right lung. I will likely never have a reason for why the mass grew so aggressively. I will never understand why our baby’s life had to be so short. But I will take comfort and peace in the things I do know. Aria’s life was beautiful from the start. She gave us the happiest and most exciting moments of our lives. She taught us the true meaning of unselfish and undying love. Even though she is in heaven, we are still the grateful parents of a beautiful daughter. 

And one thing is absolutely certain, from the moment I saw her face, there was no denying that God’s works were indeed displayed in her.

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