The day we learned that Aria had a congenital defect in her lung, I drank a soda and ate a big ol’ bag of Cheetos. This might seem insignificant to a lot of people but for me it was huge.
Like most mothers, I was obsessed with trying to do the very best for my baby during my pregnancy. I immediately switched to an all natural, aluminum free deodorant. I started using fluoride free toothpaste. I made sure I was using chemical free cleaning products. I refused to take the anti nausea meds because of the risk of birth defects. I didn’t take any medications except Tums and my prenatal vitamins. I avoided foods that contained MSG. I religiously heated all cold cuts before eating them. I was so scared of mercury that I cut out all seafood. I’m a little embarrassed to say I even avoided standing next to a microwave while it was in use. I think you get the point by now. If someone said it could pose any risk to my child, no matter how small, I wasn’t doing it. I thought by avoiding all the “bad” things I could override nature and prevent all birth defects, boost brain function, and avoid any negative outcomes.
I was wrong.
My daughter was diagnosed with Congential Cystic Adenomatoid Malformation at my 20 week ultrasound. I was totally gutted by the diagnosis. I thought I had done everything right. How could this possibly have happened? What did I do wrong? But this wasn’t my choice to make. She was going to develop this defect no matter what I did. Most congenital defects aren’t anyone’s fault, they are flukes. It just happens.
This is even true in cases of Spina Bifida. There are multitudes of mothers who blame themselves because they believe folic acid deficiency caused the neural tube defect. Despite everything the media tells us, it isn’t. Folic acid deficiency only accounts for about 60% of the cases and the rest just happen. You could literally take 4x the reccomended dose of folic acid and still have a baby with spina bifida.
I know it’s important to eat well and live a healthy lifestyle, especially during pregnancy. Yes, you should absolutely listen to your doctor and make some lifestyle changes, along with cutting out alcohol, cigarettes, and certain medications. I don’t disagree with that, but I also wanted to share a bit of reality. Everyone tells you to take your little miracle prenatal vitamin filled with lots of folic acid and you’ll be just fine! But that is simply untrue.
I’m not saying any of this to scare expectant mothers, but I think it’s an important message. I’m involved in a few support groups for mothers experiencing the diagnosis of a birth defect and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen women ask “what did I do?” It’s frustrating and saddens me that these mothers, who are already enduring so much, are bearing this guilt on their shoulders.
It is not your fault. You are not a cautionary tale. You are a good mother.
After a lot of research and several doctors telling me I wasn’t to blame, I finally took off the burden of guilt and shame over Aria’s diagnosis. It was incredibly freeing. I still have scars and bruises from bearing that weight, but I’m healing. If you have stumbled upon this blog and are currently experiencing the diagnosis of congenital defect, this message is for you. Please put down that guilt. It’s not your burden to bear.