One of the last desserts I ate while I was pregnant with Aria, was a slice of chocolate cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory.
Brian and I were completely exhausted that day. We were just told that our daughter’s condition had become so severe that it was very likely she was going to lose her battle. We had spent the last two days in the hospital, undergoing countless tests, meeting with multiple doctors, and we cried the entire time. We needed to get out and have a brief change of scenery. So we went to the Cheesecake Factory, hoping it would lighten our spirits.
We spent the entire meal sitting across from each other in tears. There were people seated at the tables next to us who had a clear view of our sorrow but it didn’t matter. We couldn’t hold it in, we had to let the tears flow.
At the end of the meal, we ordered a slice of chocolate cheesecake. I am a bit of a chocoholic, and as miserable and sad as I was, I couldn’t help but be excited by the dessert in front of me. I savored it, allowed myself to really enjoy it. I knew all of the sugar was going to make Aria very active in the next hour. I loved indulging in sugary things when I was pregnant for that very reason. I loved feeling every single kick, punch and roll.
As the waitress brought our check, she noticed my belly, and with a smile she said “Good luck with the baby bump!” My heart sank, and I burst into tears as she walked away.
Looking back, it seems like such a sad outing. We were exhausted, heart broken, and under intense amounts of stress. But there’s something about that slice of cheesecake. Through all the pain, I found a way to enjoy something.
Now, I often think to myself “Go ahead, eat the cheesecake.” It’s a reminder that even in my darkest moments, it’s ok to find joy. I’m allowed to smile through the tears, and it’s ok to keep on living.