I’m not really sure where this post is going to go, and it is probably going to look more like a collection of ramblings than a well written post, but here goes.
I’m feeling a bit out of sync, not overly sad, but not content either. It’s the hardest emotion to describe, but very much like the feelings I talked about in my “Check In” post. I feel unmotivated, and I lack a lot of excitement for the future. Then there are times when the sadness lingers for so long that I actually begin to get sick of it, but that only aggravates it even more. There is still joy, but it’s never the same as it was before, and it takes a lot of work to find it.
I think what I’m getting at is… I’m tired.
Yep, I’ve successfully described it. The tears that are currently flowing are proof of that.
It’s so hard to spend each day fighting off the demons trying desperately to tear me down. Life constantly feels like a battlefield. There are mines everywhere, some of which I can spot from a distance, but most of them blow up in my face without warning.
And every single time, I force myself to get up and keep moving.
To be completely honest, I’m exhausted, my knees are weak, and my brain is fogged. I just wish I could be reunited with Aria, even if only for a few minutes, so I could take a break from all this grief. I need solace.
But I can’t give up. Aria wouldn’t want that, and I am the kind of mom that wants to spoil my little girl rotten – so she’s going to get what I know she wants. Which means I have no choice but to keep going.
Oh Lord, give me strength.