I spent my day running around town tying up loose ends ahead of our move at the end of the week. It was a really productive day, but there was one moment that knocked the wind right out of me.
I called my OB/GYN’s office to request that my records be sent to my new doctor’s office in Texas. I was hoping they could just fax them over but apparently, there are some privacy laws against that. I was told I needed to come in and get a hard copy of my records, then give them to my new doctor’s office once we move.
It was then that I was faced with a fear I had worked really hard to suppress over the last nine months.
See, I’m scared that I’m going to open my records and see things that don’t add up. I’m afraid that I’m going to research every single tiny detail and obsess over the things in there about Aria’s health. I’m afraid I’m going to find out she wasn’t really as sick as they said she was.
I know, I know. It all sounds so irrational. They wouldn’t lie to me. We were in the hands of the best MFMs and OB/GYNs in the country. We trusted them then and still do.
But even knowing all of that, I am still afraid.
So I panicked at the thought of hanging onto them for a few weeks before being able to deliver them at my annual exam. I just knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from looking (obsessing), and I knew the rabbit hole it would lead me down.
As I arrived at my doctors office today to pick up my records, I still had no idea how I was going to avoid reading them. I was still so annoyed they couldn’t just send them over without involving me. I really did not want them in my possession.
I was relieved when they handed me two large sealed envelopes. “Oh, good.” I thought, thankful that at least a seal was preventing me from peeking. My heart raced as I clutched them in my hands while walking to my car. “Just go home. Put them in a box. Do not look.” I kept repeating to myself, trying not to think about all of the fears staring me in the face.
Then it dawned on me, why don’t I just mail them? The post office was down the street, it wouldn’t take long and once I mailed my only copy, I wouldn’t have to worry about it any longer.
So that’s exactly what I did. I made a bee line for the post office, and mailed them to Texas. The clerk joked that I seemed to be in a rush. I made a comment about being stressed over our upcoming move, when I really wanted to say, “Nope, I’m just having a bit of a mental breakdown.”
I’m still a little shaken up from the whole experience, and wondering if I should have just faced my fears and opened them. The quiet, rational part of me knows my records would just echo what I already knew: Aria was sick. I did everything I could, and it was not my fault.
When it comes down to it, this is really just about my fear that I gave up on her.
But perhaps that’s a battle for another day. Today’s was hard enough.