I’ve noticed over the last two years that grief has molded and changed me in so many ways. It took over a year for me to see for most of them, and I’m sure I still don’t realize all of them. Grief causes you respond so differently to things you normally wouldn’t get upset about, or even things you ordinarily would have been happy about.
There’s the obvious ones for us loss parents, like eye rolling and getting upset over yet another pregnancy announcement. Then the less obvious, like slamming a door in your husband’s face because he didn’t buy the right brand of almond milk.
But we both know it’s not about the almond milk. It’s not even really about the pregnancy announcement is it?
It’s a grief glitch. Instead of responding rationally, grief steps in and says things like, “Look at her so glowing and pregnant and happy. Aren’t you just so sad and mad that you don’t have that?” Or even, “Doesn’t your husband not buying the right thing remind you of that other time that things didn’t go right? You know, when you planned to bring your baby home from the hospital, and then didn’t.”
Now if you’re anything like me, you probably think these things, and a million other worse thoughts, then end up feeling like the absolute worst person in the entire world. The guilt of a grieving parent is completely unparalleled.
But it’s time to talk about grace. First of all, it’s not really you who is coming up with those thoughts. It’s your grief. Right before you could open your mouth and respond in a rational way, grief jumped in front of you and said “Don’t worry, I got this!” Then did way more harm than good.
Eventually you’ll find a way back to rationale. You may even be able to pull the reins back on your grief and tell it to hang on a second, because it’s being a little overzealous about almond milk right now. Yes, it’s always going to be there in the back of your mind, but it won’t always be like this.
In the mean time, give yourself some grace. Ask yourself in those moments what you’re really upset about, then tend to that. Don’t start stoking the fire without figuring out what you’re actually burning first.