I think I drank too much tea this afternoon, because as my husband is snoozing away beside me, I am wide awake and doing entirely too much thinking.
In 12 days, I begin my leave of absence from work so that we can begin IVF. Many people keep asking me if I’m excited, and I absolutely am, but if I’m being completely honest, I’m terrified.
For over two years, my life has been a cornucopia of loss and infertility. The crushing blows to my heart have come one right after another, leaving me with little to no time to brace myself for impact. When Aria died, it took every last ounce of energy in my body to keep me going.
A year and a half later, after months upon months of praying for a second chance at parenthood, I miscarried my second pregnancy. I laid on the ultrasound table and sobbed as the technician failed to find a heartbeat for a baby that I had already grown to love.
My world went into a deep tailspin that day. My faith in God turned into searing anger. Every ounce of good that I believed my life had left felt like it was slipping out of my grasp.
And yet, I stood once again and we kept praying that another baby would come. As the months went by, and the doctor’s appointments came and went, we put our hope into two rounds of fertility treatments (IUI). Each time I felt this would be it, and each time I was called by a nurse to inform me my labs came back negative for pregnancy.
When we won this round of IVF, my heart immediately sang. I felt redemption and new hope. But as it all has begun to sink in, the fear has returned.
I remember the joy in my pregnancy with Aria. I remember the excitement, and the dreams I had for her future. But I also remember the devastation that came when she died.
I remember the jubilant tears that flowed as I jumped on Brian and excitedly told him I was pregnant with Aria’s sibling. But I also remember the way my chest caved as the doctor told me I was miscarrying.
So as I sit here filled with so much hope for what this round of IVF could bring, I’m absolutely torn apart by the thought of experiencing a negative outcome once again. I guess you could say it’s something like PTSD.
But we are trying so hard to trust in the goodness we can’t yet see.
Earlier I mentioned that we were considering opting into PGS (preimplantation genetic screening) to ensure we knew which embryos were genetically perfect or not. We wanted to do whatever we could to prevent another loss. But after discussing the reality of PGS not being a guarantee, and the financial burden of this testing, we’ve decided not to do it. Those reasons were big factors, but the thing that really cemented our decision is this; Throughout everything we have walked through in the last two years, God has given us the strength to keep moving forward. So even if the worst comes again, we know our hearts will be held. We were not, and will not be abandoned.
Here is where I would like to ask for a favor from all of you. Will you help ease my restless mind and heart by praying for us in the coming weeks? This is a critical time, and will be trying both emotionally and physically for us. Please pray for calm hearts, a lot of patience and of course, healthy embryos.